In which the Bad Idea Fairy writes an Endurance 101

Endurance 101 – The Bad Idea Fairy’s Endurance Ride Diary
The Bad Idea Fairy and trusty steed "Holdmybeerandwatchthis"

Intro:  I am the Bad Idea Fairy (giggle!) and my horse is a super-special Lipizzan-Morgan-Mustang Stallion.  I started the registry myself online and Fuggles is my foundation stallion.  His registered name is “HOLDMYBEERANDWATCHTHIS” because that’s what kind of registered names LipiMorStangs will have. They are beautiful and have the best of all the breeds, and they have special gates, too: the Trollopand the Cantelope™.  His breeder called him “Fuggly”, which I think is adorable, so I call him Fuggles because he’s my Snuggley-Wuggley-Fuggle-Boo.  We are going to be beautiful together and win every race.


Friday, 2 pm
Finally I’m ready to pack the trailer and load Fuggles and go to our first endurance race!  I thought that nail artist was going to take all night, but I couldn’t imagine going to such an important event without getting my fingernails painted in our barn colors—PINK and GREEN forever!

Friday, 3:30 pm
No more room in the trailer.  I tried to decide between bringing the PINK fleece cooler or the GREEN fleece cooler, and finally decided to bring them both.  Same with the saddle pad:  PINK or GREEN?  Both!  So excited.

I hope ride management will give me some hay, there wasn’t room to pack any in the trailer with all my special gear.  I bought a brand-new pink-and-green saddle on eBay, and it arrived today, hooray! Just in time for me to pack it for the ride! 

Friday, 5:30 pm
Getting dark.  I guess I’d better load Fuggle.  He’s my Sweetie-Oogy-Poo-Bear, and I just wuvs him so much!!!!  I hope he gets right into the trailer so we can go…he hasn’t been in it for two years, but I’m sure he’ll be fine, despite what happened last time.

Friday, 6:30 pm
He’s almost in the trailer!  I’ll give him another pound of sweet feed to encourage him!  He has two whorls on his head: that means that he needs lots of encouragement to reach his potential.

Friday, midnight
I thought endurance people were supposed to be nice to newcomers.  Everybody here was really grouchy when we came into camp a few minutes ago.   Even the ride manager was a grump when I knocked on her rig door.  They’re going to make me wait until morning to do my vet check—don’t they understand that the ride starts at 6am? 

Saturday morning, 1:45am
It was sweet of that couple to come out of their tent and set up my metal corral panels for me after I dropped them that third time.  I guess endurance people are nice. I’ll give Fuggles 15 pounds of grain for dinner so he’ll have lots of energy tomorrow, and then I’ll drink some whiskey to help me sleep….

Saturday, 4am
Wh-a-a-a-a-a-t???  It’s not time to get up yet!  Just stay clear of my horse!  Don’t you understand that he’s a STALLION?!!!  I’ll get up in just...a little…more…time…  (zzzzzzz)

Saturday, 6:15am
Stupid alarm didn’t go off!  If it weren’t for Fuggles kicking down his corral panels when the other horses left camp, I’d still be asleep.  Now I’ve got to see the vet and tack him up and catch up with everybody on the trail.  It’s a good thing my horse really likes to gallop!

Saturday, 7:00am
That vet is ignorant, he was so busy pretending that Fuggles was going to bite that he barely admired him at all!  Vets are such sissies about stallions.   I guess I’ll show them all when I win this thing. I’ve seen that movie “Hidalgo” about a million times, so I know all the tricks to win.

Saturday, 7:30am
On the trail at last.  We’ll gallop and catch everybody!  Go like the wind, Fuggles!  We are soo bee-yoootiful with the wind in his mane and the wind in my long, flowing hair. Helmets are so ugly, don’t you agree? And they make my hair all icky.  I hope the ride photographer gets lots of pictures of us.  Maybe we’ll be on the cover of that magazine they have.

Saturday, 8:15am
No, Fuggles, we don’t have time to stop at the water tank.  We have to go FAST! 

Saturday, 9:30am
Found the trail again.  It’s harder to watch for ribbons when I’m texting two people at once.  Must remember to only text important people.    

Saturday, 10:30am
Found the trail again.  I must have missed that turn when BFF called with the news about her and Bradsome?  So upsetting.  It would be okay if he was single, though…cute-o-potamus! 

Saturday, 11:am
The vet says that Fuggles is Grade 2 lame, but she’s an idiot.  They obviously don’t teach vets about the special gates of LipiMorstangs.  Apparently I don’t get 6 hours to finish the ride like everybody else, just because I got started late.  Now I only have an hour to get back to camp and win this thing!  Quit eating, Fuggles, we have to race and win now!

Saturday, 11:50am
Whew!  We made it to camp just in time.  Now they will take Fuggles’ pulse and we will be done.  We didn’t finish first because we got lost so much.  When I told  the manager that the ribbons were confusing, she said that the other 54 riders didn’t have any trouble.  She’s really a grump. 

Saturday, 12:30pm
What do you mean,  that because my horse’s pulse is still 82 beats per minute I’m disqualified!  THAT’S NOT FAIR! WE RODE THOSE MILES JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!  I WANT A DIFFERENT PULSER!  I’M NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING!  WHERE IS THE VET?  I WANT TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!  I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE OFF MY PRETTY SADDLE HERE IN THE DIRT, IT’S NEW AND NICE AND YOUR VET CHECK IS DIRTY!  YOU ARE MEAN!  MY HORSE ISN’T AN ARAB SO YOU STUPID PEOPLE DON’T WANT HIM TO WIN!

Sunday, 1 pm
Well, that ride manager certainly knows how to treat people if they stick up for their rights, but I’m still outta here.  All I get for all this work is a stupid tee-shirt, no points or anything, meh, it isn’t even pink and green so it won’t go with any of my outfits.

The vet doesn’t want me to leave camp because Fuggles’ heartrate is still higher than 70, but whatever, I’ve got to get back home and get my nails re-done.  These people don’t deserve to have a great horse like Fuggles around here. 

I’m sick of endurance and these stuck-up people. 

I think I’ll do reining with Fuggles instead.  I saw a pink-and-green western saddle on eBay that will look really cute on him!

Comments

  1. I <3 you.

    And I am stealing so many terms from this post you really should sue me for plagiarism. Bradsome. Trollop. Cantelope. LipiMorStangs. Cuteopotamus.

    And now I can hear Bad Idea Fairy's voice in my head.

    ReplyDelete
  2. roflmbo! Seriously this should be sent out as a pamphlet to all potential endurance riders.....in fact it would also be appropriate for many different equine disciplines, too.
    And yes, like Becky said, your creative terminology should become mainstream in the horse world. lol!

    Excellent post! Well done!
    ~Lisa

    word verif: splis

    I 'bout splis my guts laughin' at this great post! hah!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Bad Idea Fairy is the The Dude's daughter, right?

    And Blue has a really comfortable cantelope, thanks very much.

    @LOR—Word verification: dinsi. (That feeling when the music is so loud you're having trouble standing up.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was hilarious. Aarene, you are wasting your talents on these serious, instructive endurance posts. I just love the Bad Idea Fairy. More, more...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh goodness, this whole post had me dying laughing! LOVE it!
    "Cantelope"!!! It's too much!! lol, very very funny!
    (this from someone who would really want a pink and green saddle, them's my colors!)

    ReplyDelete
  6. D-Y-I-N-G!

    I only wish I didn't know any real versions of the Bad Idea Fairy and Fuggle-Wuggle-Boo, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Between giggling madly at your post I found myself admiring the way you wove in so many bad ideas. Well done. I may now have to share this with quite a few of my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What's wrong with pink and green?

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  9. Ha Ha-ing all the way! :-) LOVE the picture!

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  10. Came over from Laughing Orcha Ranch, and LOVE THIS POST! You are quite funny! I have not ever done an endurance ride, but I was with ya! HAHAHA.....

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  11. When's your next update? I do love this series.

    WV: Reekstes: Becky asking someone else for a blog update reekstes of hypocrisy, yes it does, my precious!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bwhahahahahaha!

    LOVE the bad fairy. LOVE.
    Definitely need to send this out to all potential endurance prospects.

    I'd help you with the pamplets, but I have to go work on my cantelope now...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh that's hilarious! I have a feeling the people that should read this probably won't and even if they did, they probably wouldn't get it. Well done!

    ReplyDelete

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