In which "World War Z" is NOT an apocolypse led by the zombies

It occurs to me that not everyone knows and appreciates the significance of zucchini.
Yesterday's harvest
 Here's stuff to know about zucchini: 
  • The Swamplandish climate is ideal for the growing of zucchini
  • Each zucchini seed packet contains about 15 seeds
  • 15 zucchini plants, planted in our ideal Swamplandish climate, will produce in an average season enough squash to feed the entired United States Armed Forces.  For about 4 years.
Today's harvest.  Note that each squash is approximately 12" long.
Here's another thing about zucchini:  everybody plants it.

In fact, almost everybody plants all 15 seeds.  Which means that, every August, each and every household in the entire Swampland produces enough zucchini to feed the entire US Armed Forces (at home and abroad). 

The mathematicians among us have already figured out the problem:
Too many zukes.
What can be done with all this squash?

A normal family cannot possibly eat them all when they come ripe.  There is a limit to the amount of freezer room that anybody wants to designate for "shredded squash."  And all the neighbors are growing it, so the "gift" of zucchini is akin to the "gift" of bubonic plague.

Part of the problem is the cultural baggage associated with growing zucchini.  A person who "can't grow zucchini" is not just a lousy gardener; it's sort of a polite way to say that the person is a complete waste of carbon.  Nobody wants that label.  So everyone grows zucchini.
Stealth zucchini. 
Green zukes are much harder to detect than their yellow brethren, and therefore
 can easily grow to the size of preschoolers before they are noticed and harvested.
 The result:  zucchini bombings.

It is culturally accepted here that, if somebody is innocent dumb enough to leave their vehicle unlocked in a public place, that person fully deserves to find a bushel of squash on the front seat.  Every single day.

Unguarded front porches are similarly vulnerable to z-bombings. 
Jim displays a mutant zuke. Do not encourage these to propogate!
Truly desperate gardeners, overwhelmed by zukes, have been known to enter the homes of neighbors who trustingly leave their keys so that folks can feed the cat, and stash zucchini in the fridge.

People like my brother, a veteran of Zuke Bombings (from his sister?  ya think?) double-lock the doors and hide under the furniture until First Frost. 
Nobody leaves a squash in this truck while the Floofs are on duty!
 My solution:  the Zucchini Defense Squad (ZDS).  Pickles is new to the duty of keeping squash bombers away, but she is learning the skills quickly from veteran Defenders Mimsy and Luna.
The only good zuke is a ....  
IF YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF A ZUCCHINI BOMBING:

Here's a recipe that might help.

Chocolate-Orange-Zucchini Brownies

1 cup agave nectar
1/4 cup canola oil
3/4 cup applesauce
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup yogurt
2 cups (or more) grated zucchini
2 cups flour
1 cup cocoa
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon allspice (optional)
1.5 teaspoon cinnamon
orange peel to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Lightly grease brownie pan. 
In medium bowl, mix together agave, oil, eggs, vanilla, yogurt, zuke.
In a separate large bowl, mix together all of the dry ingredients.  Add the liquid ingredients and mix until well-combined.  Spoon batter into muffin pan (extra batter can go into muffin tins). 
Bake for 35 minutes or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean.
The resulting brownies are not unwelcome at church gatherings and office parties. 
Except in August.


Comments

  1. Those brownies sound delicious! If I was closer, I'd volunteer to be a victim of a zucchini bombing! (No space in the yard to grow them myself.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. i remember the days of the overabundance. now i have just about what two people can eat, with our 4 plants, and i'm soooo disappointed cuz i can eat a lot more. 2 of my plants are total duds, the other 2 put a very small amount, it's pathetic. i'd like to volunteer to be a victim too!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pro tip: my goat loves summer squash. Perhaps yours will love zucchini?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Zucchini burritos! Shred a ton of zucchini (really cooks down), add whatever taco meat (or not) you desire, sautee, add packet of taco or burrito seasoning. Spoon into tortillas with sour cream, cheese, and salsa. Yum.

    I wanted to plant a small garden this year, but didn't get around to it. How far can you ship those zuchs?? =)

    ReplyDelete
  5. This was hysterical!

    Having never grown zucchini - on that picture of the plant you showed us... will every bud become a squash?

    I want zucchini burritos now. :(

    ReplyDelete
  6. BECKY: zucchini plants are related to the many-headed dragon killed by Hercules in the old story: cut off one "head" (squash) and two more grow in that place.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Turns out I am a waste of carbon. My plants have white powder mold, this has caused me to be sadly short on zukes. Tonight however one will fall victim to my frying pan!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anon, just come park your car in any church lot with the windows open this month. I guarantee that you will have more zukes than you can handle...and you can always take them to the office on Monday, claiming that you grew them.

    #squashon

    ReplyDelete
  9. What about having the goats help eat them? Or feeding some to the hens?

    ReplyDelete

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